Thursday, April 15, 2010

over it

I do not know why certain hurts linger.  I have told myself so many time to "get over it!" but I am still not over it.  Hurts that happened so long ago, hurts by people who I'm sure never think about me, hurts that for some ridiculous reason will not die.  I have given them over to the Lord and prayed through them.  I have blessed the other person from the depth of my heart.  I just can not shake it.

Maybe I am just that pathetic, that co-dependent and need to get a life.  Nope, that can't be it.  I have a great life with great friends.  I do not think any of said friends would describe me as co-dependent.  I just want to be over it... NOW!

I think it comes out of my historical lack of family.  I treasure family and though I do not have a large one nor have I had a very healthy family in my past, it is so important to me.  I now have the most incredible growing little family and I am so blessed to be a part of it. The intimacy and longevity one can expect with a family relationship is amazing.  I have a few friends that either I or God has elevated to the level of family in my life and look forward to our lives together.  And I think the feeling is mutual.  These relationships are not burdensome or filled with expectations that can never be met but rather enjoyment of eachother's company, sharing in life, and loving one another through the good times and bad.  And, on my part at least, these relationships will be nurtured from decade to decade.

I think that these woundings come from making statements about being family in anticipation of a great friendship before that level of intimacy has actually been reached.  I am not going to lay blame on others because I know I have been quick to make relational commitments too.  I have asked myself why these friendships never materialized and where, once being "family", we are estranged.  I guess that is one of the reasons I struggle to move on - there is just no closure.  I must choose to continue to bless.  I must choose to take these thoughts captive even though I may never understand.  I will no longer be vexed by these relationships.  I will say a prayer of love for those people who once were my friends and then quickly shift my thoughts to how I might add to the the friends I do have.
Photo Credit Anna Gutermuth, Flickr

Thursday, April 1, 2010

burdens...

Photo credit:  http://www.flickr.com/people/randysonofrobert/

I have been reading "Having a Mary Spirit" by Joanna Weaver for the bible study group I recently joined.  I joined the group as they were starting chapter 9 so I have been reading to catch up over the past couple weeks.  I read chapter 6, Dying to Live, today and found that while I didn't think I struggled with trusting God, he is revealing to me areas in which I do not completely trust Him.

Joanna shared something in this chapter that encouraged her from Hannah Whitall Smith.  Ms. Smith said in her book, "Christian's Secrets to a Happy Life", "Some Christians are like a man who was carrying a heavy load down a country road.  The driver of a passing wagon offered him a ride, and he joyfully accepted.  Even after climbing aboard, he left his pack on his shoulders.  He rode along still hunched over under his heavy load.  'Why do you not lay down your burden?' the driver asked.  'Oh, I feel that it is almost too much to ask you to carry me', said the man. 'I could not think of letting you carry my burden too!'"  I find that while I joyfully accept Jesus' offer to carry my burdens, I do it on my own terms.

If any of you have spent time with me, you know I am chronic multi-tasker.  If you have only spent time with me a few times or if we have had deep and meaningful conversation, you might not have seen it.  But if you ever come over and just hang for a while, you will see what I mean.  I will take you with me to run errands, chat way with you while I do dishes, laugh and listen while I make dinner or bake something.  I am so happy to just spend time and live life together.  It makes chores so much more fun to have a friend to hang with while I am doing them.  It really makes them seem fun and not like chores at all.  And if you ask to help, I don't let you do anything : )

God revealed to me that this is how I treat His offer to carry my burdens.  I ask Him to come over and hang with me while I carry them.  I am joyful and have a great time with Him.  It really makes the burden not seem like a burden at all and, in fact, I am almost glad for the burden so that I have an opportunity to talk and laugh with Him.  But when I am no longer spending time with Him, the burden is still there.  I do not acknowledge it though because I supposedly gave it to him.  It is as if it does not exist any longer...almost.

It is like taking a walk with my kids... both girls are in the stroller.  We are having a great time.  And then our steady little walk turns sharply into an uphill adventure.  As if 50 pounds of girl is not enough I have the weight of the stroller.  And my purse underneath the stroller.  It is heavy but unusually so.  Why is it so heavy?  I almost can't push it uphill?  Then I notice the tires are flat.  I did not acknowledge the flat tires because they were not so bad on the straightaway.  But when things got steeper, it was almost unmovable.

I think I must be in some real denial... He is so gentle to remind me.  I do realize now that there must be a burden on me because I feel tired, even after resting.  I feel refreshed in worship and renewed in His presence, but once back home and in the daily grind, I feel worn.  After spending time with Him and in His loving affirmation, I still feel the desire to be liked by others.

I am going to spend some time over the next few days to find out what I am carrying around.  I am going to dig through my purse and pull out whatever is weighing me down.  Things I let Him lighten me for a while just by being with Him but not really giving it to Him.  Maybe there is more than half eaten bananas and dirty diapers in there... we'll see...