Thursday, April 1, 2010

burdens...

Photo credit:  http://www.flickr.com/people/randysonofrobert/

I have been reading "Having a Mary Spirit" by Joanna Weaver for the bible study group I recently joined.  I joined the group as they were starting chapter 9 so I have been reading to catch up over the past couple weeks.  I read chapter 6, Dying to Live, today and found that while I didn't think I struggled with trusting God, he is revealing to me areas in which I do not completely trust Him.

Joanna shared something in this chapter that encouraged her from Hannah Whitall Smith.  Ms. Smith said in her book, "Christian's Secrets to a Happy Life", "Some Christians are like a man who was carrying a heavy load down a country road.  The driver of a passing wagon offered him a ride, and he joyfully accepted.  Even after climbing aboard, he left his pack on his shoulders.  He rode along still hunched over under his heavy load.  'Why do you not lay down your burden?' the driver asked.  'Oh, I feel that it is almost too much to ask you to carry me', said the man. 'I could not think of letting you carry my burden too!'"  I find that while I joyfully accept Jesus' offer to carry my burdens, I do it on my own terms.

If any of you have spent time with me, you know I am chronic multi-tasker.  If you have only spent time with me a few times or if we have had deep and meaningful conversation, you might not have seen it.  But if you ever come over and just hang for a while, you will see what I mean.  I will take you with me to run errands, chat way with you while I do dishes, laugh and listen while I make dinner or bake something.  I am so happy to just spend time and live life together.  It makes chores so much more fun to have a friend to hang with while I am doing them.  It really makes them seem fun and not like chores at all.  And if you ask to help, I don't let you do anything : )

God revealed to me that this is how I treat His offer to carry my burdens.  I ask Him to come over and hang with me while I carry them.  I am joyful and have a great time with Him.  It really makes the burden not seem like a burden at all and, in fact, I am almost glad for the burden so that I have an opportunity to talk and laugh with Him.  But when I am no longer spending time with Him, the burden is still there.  I do not acknowledge it though because I supposedly gave it to him.  It is as if it does not exist any longer...almost.

It is like taking a walk with my kids... both girls are in the stroller.  We are having a great time.  And then our steady little walk turns sharply into an uphill adventure.  As if 50 pounds of girl is not enough I have the weight of the stroller.  And my purse underneath the stroller.  It is heavy but unusually so.  Why is it so heavy?  I almost can't push it uphill?  Then I notice the tires are flat.  I did not acknowledge the flat tires because they were not so bad on the straightaway.  But when things got steeper, it was almost unmovable.

I think I must be in some real denial... He is so gentle to remind me.  I do realize now that there must be a burden on me because I feel tired, even after resting.  I feel refreshed in worship and renewed in His presence, but once back home and in the daily grind, I feel worn.  After spending time with Him and in His loving affirmation, I still feel the desire to be liked by others.

I am going to spend some time over the next few days to find out what I am carrying around.  I am going to dig through my purse and pull out whatever is weighing me down.  Things I let Him lighten me for a while just by being with Him but not really giving it to Him.  Maybe there is more than half eaten bananas and dirty diapers in there... we'll see...

2 comments:

Chalk Inscriptions said...

Beautifully written! I really enjoy that Bible study!

Michelle said...

Wow, that's good. I had a dream last night about God removing junk from my past. I felt it was related to my being healed from chronic tiredness, brain fog, depression, etc. I too am asking Him for a full release from these burden.