Thursday, April 15, 2010

over it

I do not know why certain hurts linger.  I have told myself so many time to "get over it!" but I am still not over it.  Hurts that happened so long ago, hurts by people who I'm sure never think about me, hurts that for some ridiculous reason will not die.  I have given them over to the Lord and prayed through them.  I have blessed the other person from the depth of my heart.  I just can not shake it.

Maybe I am just that pathetic, that co-dependent and need to get a life.  Nope, that can't be it.  I have a great life with great friends.  I do not think any of said friends would describe me as co-dependent.  I just want to be over it... NOW!

I think it comes out of my historical lack of family.  I treasure family and though I do not have a large one nor have I had a very healthy family in my past, it is so important to me.  I now have the most incredible growing little family and I am so blessed to be a part of it. The intimacy and longevity one can expect with a family relationship is amazing.  I have a few friends that either I or God has elevated to the level of family in my life and look forward to our lives together.  And I think the feeling is mutual.  These relationships are not burdensome or filled with expectations that can never be met but rather enjoyment of eachother's company, sharing in life, and loving one another through the good times and bad.  And, on my part at least, these relationships will be nurtured from decade to decade.

I think that these woundings come from making statements about being family in anticipation of a great friendship before that level of intimacy has actually been reached.  I am not going to lay blame on others because I know I have been quick to make relational commitments too.  I have asked myself why these friendships never materialized and where, once being "family", we are estranged.  I guess that is one of the reasons I struggle to move on - there is just no closure.  I must choose to continue to bless.  I must choose to take these thoughts captive even though I may never understand.  I will no longer be vexed by these relationships.  I will say a prayer of love for those people who once were my friends and then quickly shift my thoughts to how I might add to the the friends I do have.
Photo Credit Anna Gutermuth, Flickr


Chalk Inscriptions said...

Decade to decade :)

Anonymous said...

Hmm... well said but I'm sure hard to write or maybe hard to be taken to that place again. Thanks for your honest approach to disappointments, hurts and pain. I trust someday you will see it all come around. :(

Lisa P. said...

Wow, Alicia. It was like I wrote that post!! I have to say, though it doesn't lesson my struggle, it does make me feel a little better to know someone struggles as I do! My constant burden lately has been for my lack of family relationships. But I feel it is also the driven force behind me as a mother and wife. To strive to create the family I didn't have. I feel that is how God is redeeming those lack or lost relationships in my life. I love your heart, sweet Alicia! :)

Carrie Sandahl said...

Hey Friend! Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and I love your blog and reading your thoughts. We're SO different now Alicia- it trips me out! I thought for sure our sensibilities would always be one in the same- but alas, we grow and change. Reading about your life and times is a real treat for an old friend like me. Regardless of time gone by, you wil always (ALWAYS) have a very, very, VERY special place in my heart.

Alicia said...

Thanks, Friends! Love you all!

Carrie, you, too, will always have a special place in my heart. I know what you mean... I think about growing up together and how close we were... you truly held me up and being friends with you made me feel like Supergirl. You have such a gift in making people feel special. Thank you! Where there is love, differences don't really seem that different : )

sdownes said...

Oh Alicia, it's like you read the words right out of my heart! I mourn over my friendships and how they change and evolve. It can be so hard! You are a deep girl for a reason and your heart is amazing! Thanks for sharing, and know you are not alone! Hey let's be friends!